IT& IT. What the heck is the matter with it?

July.
Glorious beautiful July.

Full of sunshine, fresh air, glorious hot breezes during the day, cool night time breezes during the ermm.. night, the call of many birds, including amongst them the mynah, the hyenah and other varieties.

But to the it-man, an offshoot no doubt of the neanderthal man, the one creature that holds his attention, the one bird for whose call he would gladly shoot himself, is, the it-bird.

Yes folks!

Come July it's IT-time in IT-town and IT's all happening round about here.

IT-folks long accustomed to mumbling about in vague acronyms, confound us even more by peppering their speech with TA (tiresome acronyms) that do tend to pollute IT.

Yes. IT is the buzz, the most happening thing in this IT-town, and if you don't have a clue, then cheer up.

Neither do I.

But others do.

It is during such confusing times, when you sit in these hallowed halls of IT emitting hollowed howls of anguish brought about by how you are going to face it, that we offer you "The Everyman's guide to ITIT. All that you ever need to know about it".

True to it's Zen style it just contains one line:

"Give me all your money", but then let us as experts explain the situation to you.

1. You have a job. This is very different from you doing any actual work. In a job you get paid, while you may occasionally be called upon to work. Acutally this isn't strictly true. One of my colleagues Lux has grown from a piece of dried mucus into a lichen like organism and is slowly evolving (we mean really slowly here), into something human. He also has a job. How does him being a lichen prejudice him against having a job? No it doesn't. See!

First rule of IT: don't ask silly questions. Logic is out for lunch here.

2. While in this job, you fondly imagine you are being paid. Hwahahahahah! Suckers! No you aren't. We deduct IT at source, then we deduct IT at hand, and then we deduct your foot, and some more just because we like it. We are sadistic, moronic, felines, but then hey! why did you ever think HR or IT wallahs were Human. Correction: IT practitioners fall into two categories: idiots and morons. while the idiots go about collecting money the morons give it to the idiots.

Second rule of IT: All your bases are belong to us. See point one.

2.a) HR actually happen to be from another planet. Truly! Sure. They happen to be evil monsters from the third dimension whose brains if they were of silk wouldn't provide enough matter to make a pair of nappies for a baby mosquito. Sure that statement was a blatant piece of overexageration and misrepresentation, but only fair considering that in the yearly appraisal HR condenses your 48,000 lines of mission critical C code to "utility project, buggy but useful, not a team player".

3. From the pay you get, we deduct a sizeable sum as IT, and if you are IT practitioners we deduct an even bigger sum, because you scum don't even laze about. Neither do we in IT, but then this is good, because if we did laze about you would all be in dire trouble....No! There's nothing you can do about it. Yes! It amounts to racketeering, but then hey! we make the rules. As a small consolation you get to call us the Government but then we get to rob you. [Evil Smelly Laughter]

Third rule of IT: We can rob you and that's legal.

4. In an universe as confusing as ours, there are only two things that are constant and appllicable to one and all. Corruption and IT. Hold it. We just said applicable. Though ideally we would like all the world to pay us it, all the smarties don't, damn them. You do! And you want to know why? Would it help if I speak slower.

Fourth rule of IT: There's no escaping from it. Especially if you are dumb. You are dumb.

5. Emancipation, Redemption and other features IT returns.

Fifth rule of IT: IT returns don't. Unless we'd like you to return some more of it to us.

6. Form filling: IT involves a lot of form filling. So does IT. While both pride themselves in being paperless, this just means that you have to enter your name to the department using a keyboard, dried with the snot of the dirty millions, and God! help you if your last name is Jonnalnagananandanavalanan, and the N key in the keyboard is stuck.

Sixth rule of IT: Paperless means paper less. You just fill less forms on paper. You don't fill up lesser number of forms.

7. Beuracracy: Let's face it. These sons of bachelors working in IT will not help you save yourself from a ravenous maiden, without forms signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, queried, found, submitted to an audit, public enquiry, lost again, buried in soft peat, and recycled as a firelighter. But then hey! when your daily pathetic existence is an endless chain of form filling in order to use the 11th floor toilet because you are in a state of emergency, and the request has to first be ratified by the pl, the dch, and then his neighbour's dog, beuracracy doesn't matter so much does it.

Seventh rule of IT: The red tape has been provided so that you can hang yourself.

8. Always drive safely. O.K. nothing associated to IT, but then hey! that's always a good thing to put in because kids could be reading this message huh!

Eigth rule of IT: Drive safely.

O.K. In a big break with tradition, we have given you only eight laws, unlike custom which dictates a round number like ten. So.... Sue me!

Anyway folks. That's it from it experts here, while we retire and fill it up. We will be back soon in the month of July with even more exciting titles

"It returns"

"Itty bitty details for it"

"Darn it!"

"The l(IT)mus test"

"What is it anyway?".



So leaving you soon, but back again and soon as July heats up with more bird calls from it-birds to it-nerds....



So long folks....