Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Office and Offensibility

It has been recently pointed out to me that my blog has the capacity to cause offense to its readers. Considering that the number of readers till now has barely crossed ten I wondered who I would be giving offense to. It was pointed out to me that I was offending (through my blog):
1. Tambrams
2. Most of the rest of humanity
3. The goats of the animal kingdom whom I had implicated as having carnal relations with some Tambrams and most of the rest of humanity. (Mamis and large predatory females kindly note these are carnal relations not cornell relations. Get your daughters married there at your own peril)

In fact my post on family values has irritated a few people. Upon further inquiry it transpires that it irritated people because:
1. It was basically their own values
2. I am a horrible git
(What is this compulsion I have with numbered lists. Irritating!!!)

However considering that this is India and considering that if ever Tambrams decide that their relegious sensitivities are hurt they could not just sue the bejesus out of me, they could also come and burn me I guess some steps will have to be taken. In fact consider Tasleema Nasreen. Here are the facts of the case:

Tasleema Nasreen was assaulted at a function she was attending in Hyderabad by a member of a relegious minority ( to whom Taslima also belongs) because her book had insulted the member's sentiments. The member spoke only Telugu and Urdu and had barely passed the second standard.

Hang On!!!

So here we have a man who hit a woman because he believed her book had insulted her relegious sentiments even though he couldn't read her book even in his own mother tounge (leave alone the original in Bengali).

However this is India where other members of the relegious minority then bought the book by the dozens and burnt them in order to protest which lead to:
1. The publisher ordering the printing of 10,000 copies because they were selling so fast
2. The book moving to No. 128 in the bestseller charts (it hadn't even figured there before)
3. Global warming and the breakdown of the Kyoto protocol and a lot of exhausted penguins who couldn't locate the ice pack

No. Seriously.

Considering that this is serious stuff. Here's what I plan to do.

1. Write something in this blog that offends the three major Abrahamic Relegion and the Mormon Church
2. Write something more offensive about Hinduism and Buddhism
3. Call up an Imam, a Pope and the Bajrang Dal and warn them about the offensive nature of the blog.
4. Once the carnage begins book myself on a flight to London and request political asylum (seeing that they let ugly mug Salman Rushdie in how bad can it be for this Tambram)
5. Ask Penguin to publish the book since they can be now assured of a bestseller

I have a feeling that this should work. The Christian will buy the book because Muslim sentiments are hurt. The Muslim because Hindu sentiments are hurt. The Hindu because Christian sentiments are hurt. Then they would all proceed to burn the damn thing because their own sentiments are hurt. The publishers would make a killing, I would be in London, preferably with a large bank balance and some nice scotch. How bad can it be?

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